A little over a year ago, I lost one of my very best friends in a car accident. He was one of the of the most beautiful humans beings, inside and out, that I have ever come across in this lifetime so far. He was so wise & always had so much insight. Looking back, I think he knew he wasn’t going to be in the physical realm long. Well, I always shared his posts on Facebook (now I’m glad I did because he constantly comes up in my memories). One day he had made a short status that mentioned how healing wasn’t linear. That resonates with me more now than ever.
I won’t get on my soapbox today (maybe in a future post) but if you’ve read some of my posts you know by now that I am a believer in God. While I have a strong foundation in Christ, I also have moments where I stray from my religion. I am human. My miscarriage was one of those times and I was actually in denial that I was angry with God.
Fast forward almost 8 months later and I’m just now accepting that I was (and still am) a little angry with God. I believe that everything happens for a reason but with this, I have had such a hard time accepting it.
At the time of my miscarriage, one my best friends gave birth 12 DAYS LATER, my cousin gave birth a day before it had been a month since my loss, and two women I love dearly found out they were expecting. I was so conflicted because I was happy for all of them but so very sad for me. Truthfully, I still am. I have moments when I can’t even like a picture of someone’s kid on social media. Not because I don’t want to, but because I cannot force myself to celebrate someone’s happiness some days. I use to feel so bad about that but I’m learning that it’s okay. I deserve to be sad. I lost something that I didn’t ever think I would get and it’s been hard as hell wondering if I’ll ever get it.
This whole journey has been a process. Some days I give my all at my job and get home to have nothing left for my boyfriend, my dog, or even myself. Other days, I’m able to give everyone 100% but have nothing left for myself. What I have been doing lately though is making sure I have time every week that is just for me. If I need to sleep, cry, write, call a friend, go to my therapist, or whatever it is that I need.
Healing is messy. It is having a great week, only to turn around and have a shitty month. It’s sleeping horribly every night and then sleeping all day on your day off. It’s thinking about it all and feeling nothing some days and feeling everything on others. It’s all over the place. There’s no blueprint just a destination: peace.
Something that stood out to me from the sermon at church Sunday that helped me to be encouraged in my healing journey this week: “The power of the promise is the process. The process cannot be rushed. There’s power for the process & joy for the journey.” -Bianca Juarez Olthoff
As always: Be You. Do You. LOVE YOU 💜